God’s Design
March 9, 2025
Dr. Paul Cannings
Why do couples, who once had a great dating relationship, get married and struggle repeatedly for long periods of time? I did not say that couples struggled in their dating relationships. I genuinely mean couples who had a lot of good times together, knew that this was the person for them to marry, had good communication, supported each other through difficult times, spent a lot of time together, got married, and struggled after years went by. This is a problem that is repeated over and over again.
There are several answers to this question. Some say that over a period of time, character weaknesses become more evident. People change and financial difficulties create stress. Differences of opinions become more apparent in raising children, politics, and resolving problems that create a distance between couples so that over time it becomes too difficult for the couple to remain together. Even though most of this seems true, it is not entirely the reason for the distance developing over time.
When a couple dates and has a good, productive relationship, they have established key pillars that are significant to a relationship. Communication was established because the individuals in the relationship listened well and gave each other respect when there were differences. They developed good problem-solving skills because they worked hard to get along and wanted to have a relationship. They spent a lot of time together, considering each other’s needs. When there were differences, they showed respect and allowed each other to be different. Men would patiently go shopping, and women who do not like sports would patiently sit with their boyfriend and watch it with him or allow him to watch it with his friends. These characteristics are just as necessary in a marriage and must be practiced in a marriage. Stress, complex time schedules, raising children, and focusing more on one’s weaknesses than strengths often causes a couple to no longer practice these foundational processes.
Another reason is that couples forget that God designs marriage and must take on the principles that God instituted. God never said that marriage brings joy, but He did say that spiritual growth brings “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control…” (Galatians 5:22-23) This is why God gave instructions for the man to wash his wife with the Word, instruct both individuals to come to church, commit to being a disciple (not just a church attendee), and serve in the church so that everyone grows up into the fullness of Christ (Ephesians 4:12-13). This is crucial because marriage requires both individuals to mature to Christ and the church (Ephesians 5:32). When both individuals are full of the Holy Spirit, they get along well (Ephesians 5:21; Philippians 2:1-5). They get along better because they renew their mind to the same Word; the same Spirit controls them, and they become the same Christ (Galatians 2:20; Ephesians 4:1-7). So when a man leads, he takes on the characteristics of Christ (1 Corinthians 11:3), and when a woman lives before her husband, she displays the attitude of Christ (Philippians 2:1-11). As a result, instead of a couple growing apart over time, they grow closer together.
When marriage is more about what each person desires and wants rather than a spiritually developing process, it becomes distant and not cohesive. “Now the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are: immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmities, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, disputes, dissensions, factions, envying, drunkenness, carousing, and things like these, of which I forewarn you that those who practice such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God.” (Galatians 5:19-21). To inherit the kingdom of God is to experience the Holy Spirit that Christ provided after His death as our inheritance (Ephesians 1:13-14). Instead of a couple growing spiritually, they become fleshlier. To become fleshlier is to grow apart. To trust God and apply His principles (Proverbs 3:5-8), no matter how vulnerable it makes a person, is to experience the powerful presence of our inheritance. This leads to a marriage that glorifies God, strengthens each individual for their own benefit, and blesses a marriage and a home (Psalm 127-128; Proverbs 24:3-6).